Last week was a whirlwind.  As the Autumn pulled in the weather was a rollercoaster of gray and heat and rain and cool. 

photo by Peggie

The washing machine died so I’ve been hauling dirty laundry around town in a borrowed car in hopes of catching up and having clean clothes.  All the while wondering at what juncture I should be swapping the summer clothes for the winter clothes in storage.

Last week included 5 private readings, website updates and fleshing out details of two programs.  I was absolutely living in the best and the worst forms of my Thumb life purpose — THE DOER.  Not suprisingly I’ve been attracting a number of clients who are successful in their own right.  They are, however, feeling depleted and concerned about getting everything done.

We’re so busy “doing” that we’re not aware or able to find a place of “being.”  It’s a subtle distinction, but the difference is the key to feeling light and truly successful versus feeling obligated, burdened and “not enough.”

Having deadlines, pulling things out at the last minute and having people say “wow, you sure do get a lot done,” are big motivators for me.  My whole life I’ve enjoyed being the one who gets things done.  If there was an event that everyone wanted (say a 7th-8th grade ski trip) but it wasn’t happening due to lack of organization, I was the girl who stepped up to the plate, created lists, enlisted grown-ups for logistics and made the trip happen.  It’s telling though that I’m still a bit miffed over the 4-5 folks who never paid for their trip and it came out of my babysitting and library work money.

In my hands there’s a bit of holding onto the past that you can see in my thumbs, especially when I’m hard at work and neglecting my need to decompress and review and plan.    Judging from the above paragraph and some recent concerns about debts and money, I now realize that what I’ve been holding onto includes grudges about money.  (and this came as quite a suprise as I was writing this!)

Specifically about people who “owe” me.   You’d think I’d have learned the lesson in 7th grade – don’t loan money or “spot” people unless you are willing to never see it again. 

Countless times I have done just that I suppose.  I can think of people whom I trust implicitly.  For us money is just another form of energy, sometimes one person has it and other times the other has it. 

But I’m holding onto the past, resenting times that I loaned money to people I thought I cared deeply about and I wanted them to care deeply about me.  Clearly, there was a bit of “buying” friendship or love going on.  After the fact, as in the case described above, I’m still harboring a hurt over that “loan.”   Of course, the person I’m really resenting and belittling and mad at – is me.

Today I realize it’s not about the money.  Money really is just energy.  It’s what I thought the money should represent and I kept expecting that I’d prove to myself how lovable and smart and worthy I was by sharing what I had, what was perceived valuable by the other person and therefore they would repay me.

Hmm.

Instead, I have to release those debts so that I can move ahead.  Feeling indebted is stifling (no matter what form the debt takes) and the only way to clear space is to let it go.  So today, I’m making a conscious effort to release those old debts and to make a conscientious effort to be more realistic and to place a higher value on myself and in this case, my “stuff” – not simply giving it away, pretending it doesn’t matter. 

As always, on Mondays I never know where my blogging is going to go, but I do know that blogging is not just about me, when I blog on Awaken Your Soul I know that the process allows me to be of service. 

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Regarding my value – I’ve decided to stop spinning my wheels to meet unrealistic goals just for the sake of “doing” what I had perceived as necessary.  So I’m postponing the launch of my Inner Circle until my birthday month of February.  I find that in February there’s time and space for new beginnings – not just because I’m starting a new year, but because by then the Winter has been dragging on in the Northern Hemisphere and we’re all ready for a change in season.  We’re seeing sprouts coming through snow and the glimpses of blue in the gray skies are beacons moving us to the spring.

However, The Hand Analysis teleseminar series begins on October 21st – you don’t need to participate in the entire series to learn, I’ve created the program so each month CAN stand alone.

Happy Monday!