Since declaring yesterday, in no uncertain terms, that I’m no longer going to be a pushover, that from now on I’m going to stand up for myself when I normally would just shrug my shoulders and think “C’est la vie,” I’ve been sort of side-swiped into having to face the reality of what it really means not to put up with “good enough.”
And it’s tiring. I’m tired.
This isn’t about me being a bully or picking fights just to be difficult. I’ll still stand by the idea that at my core I’m a lover, not a fighter. However, this “new” me isn’t going to simply roll over and play dead just because I’m not willing to ruffle a few feathers. Which is precisely what the Jupiter Star on BOTH MY HANDS have been insisting I do all along. For 5 years now I’ve been staring at those Jupiter mounts and their accompanying stars and thinking – “Hmmm. I’m not hiding out from power, I’m perfectly happy being in charge of my life.” Clearly, I’ve finally gotten the cosmic smack on the head I need to realize that maybe, just maybe, I need to be a tad better at owning my freaking power.
I’m still maneuvering this new and improved version of me, so I’m sure there are going to be some challenges. There are going to be moments when I lose my cool at the wrong time or with the wrong person (so I remind myself daily — “never shoot the messenger”) and there are going to be times that I go to the mat and get my say but don’t get my way. Hopefully with enough practice I’ll recognize how to be true to me and my decision to never settle in any area of my life and still be a human being who loves.
Today though, I wish I’d taken this stance on a Monday when I was feeling refreshed and not still sick. I’ve had to back-burner my continuing “discussions” with Comcast Cable because there’s more research to be done and to be frank, I’m not up to it today. I’m frustrated that my attorney hasn’t gotten back to me about a seemingly simple question I posed yesterday and I’m downright ticked off that my doctor did not call in the RX he said he would and now I have to wait til Monday to call and figure out that snafu.
In the grand scheme of things — all are manageable, and I don’t intend to fly off the handle to get these things managed. In the past, I probably would have let them all slide just because, and that’s the difference. The awareness that I’m captaining this ship that is my life — and while I know I have some amazing guidance in the form of Angels, Guides and others, I can’t simply roll over and say to myself that “it will all work out,” without a plan for working it out.
I’d love to hear your thoughts – am I crazy? How do you handle the irritations large and small that cross your path each day?